So as I've mentioned, I prefer sending emails because then I get to slowly think about what exactly I want to say although I run the risk of it being interpreted wrongly because we cannot easily detect tone over text. But anyway, here's what I want to tell you for today. It's a struggle of mine (one of the many hahaha), and I want you to know about it, because I want to know what you think, also, what you think I can do to improve.
You know that text I sent out to the LG? I also sent it to a select few friends outside LG. And I'm quite surprised at the replies. People seem to see me differently from how I see myself. Or rather, I think I portray a different persona when I'm around certain people. The LG seems to think that I hate the world (which I don't blame, because there was a period when I really did) but the people outside church think that I'm a fighter. Some people say I'm apprehensive around people, but others say I am approachable. Some people say I easily see the good in the world, others say I point out the negativity quickly. Some think that they can lean on me for emotional support, while others think I am emotionally unstable. I don't want to be a walking contradiction. I just want to be ONE thing. If that one things is a good thing, then that's great. But if that thing is bad, then I have to work on myself. But most importantly, I don't want to lie to myself about who I am. I won't say I don't know who I am, because I think I'm slowly starting to figure that out, bit by bit, but sometimes I wish the world would just stop and wait for me till I completely know who I am before continuing because then at least I know what I do is within my character.
My friend Dino, remember him? He sent me a super long text explaining to me what and who I was to him. What he told me left such a impact on me. He thinks so highly of me, and I am in no position to accept that honor. For the main bit of it, he was telling me why I do the things I do. "You are a lover,you care so very much for the people you keep close to your heart,you wear your heart on your sleeves towards them. As a friend,a sister,a lover or family,you'll forever be someone who loves others." I've never seen myself as a lover, because for the longest, most painful part of my life, I assumed myself to be just the opposite; a hater.
And this, coming from someone younger but so much more mature than people his age, killed me. How can someone see how flawed I am, know everything and still want to accept the good side?
This is precisely why I love you Deb. You've been through it all with me, and you didn't give up. Even when the easiest thing to do was to just drift apart, you didn't. You stayed, and gave me a reason to fight on the battle of losing myself to the world. While I was busy listening to everybody else's problems, you graciously listened to mine. You always say you don't know what to do when I'm down, but you've done perfect so far. You didn't give up on me. When I needed cheering up, you were always around. I don't know how else to tell you this, but I truly do love you very much.
Also, I've decided that I don't want to share everything with the whole LG. Maybe just a small group of people I am comfortable with, but not the whole group. It's selfish, I know, but I don't want to risk exposing myself to a group of people who frankly, don't care about me. I hope you'd understand where I'm coming from.